Mr. D and I

When Mr D comes calling, there’s always the same questions rolling around in my head.

What sound will I come back to?
How long will I have been out for?
And what things did Mr D do while I was out?

Yesterday, the answers to those questions were:
The last 30 seconds of Phil Collins and Maryln Martin’s “Separate Lives”. How ironic.

Two hours and fifteen minutes. Resulting in a massive headache with stiffness and tiredness to follow. A hangover without drinking.

The last answer? I always fear that most of all.

I’ve yet to find out. I look at my hands, my clothes, the mirror, the room, other people’s faces for clues. Especially other people’s faces.

If they are quiet or avoiding looking me in the eye, I know it’s bad.

It usually is when Mr D comes calling.

Mr D is someone you don’t want to meet. Mr D isn’t a nice person.
When Mr D comes calling, best get out of his way.
When he comes rolling in, all reason leaves town.

I just hope it’s nothing too bad, this time.

It’s the voice that they notice. They say it frightens them.

I’m normally the quietly spoken sort.
Mr D is not.

The thought of Mr D being a part of me is what I find terrifying.

Am I really Mr D in disguise?

I am not myself when I become this “thing”, Mr D. There is no potion or tablet involved. It comes out of me all of a sudden and takes over. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. I know the change is happening at the beginning. There is nothing I can do to stop it, like a dam bursting. It’s like someone else is taking control of the steering. It’s frightening. But soon after that I don’t remember.

It’s all a blank, as once more, Mr D has taken over.

Mr D, I gather, is like a storm that grips tight for a while.

I just sit tight, hiding and wait for the storm to abate.

I don’t know when Mr D will come.

Mr D comes sneaking up upon me like a silent rage. And rushes over me like a wave covering the sand. And I become frozen and forgotten.

From what people tell me I say and do bad stuff. I don’t control it. Frankly I can’t remember most of what is done after the changeover. It’s like a thick fog. And the worst is that there is nothing I can do about it.

But sit tight and wait and wait for the fog to clear and then deal with the wreckage when Mr D has gone.

It wasn’t always like this. I don’t recall Mr D visiting when I was a child.

As a young man I was always a bit odd and eccentric. But never like this.

It started happening in my thirties. Massive headaches first of all. Then loss of control over my muscles. That’s a huge shock when your brain tells your arms and legs to move and they don’t respond. My hearing would go silent, like an engine just cutting out. I suppose it was a time of crisis, a storm of stimuli. An overwhelming surge in my head. The storm that takes control of your mind. Maybe the shutdown was to protect me from further harm.

Or maybe to protect me from Mr D?

But it didn’t stop there. I was increasingly conscious of a loss of control to something else within me. I was aware there was somebody else.

And that somebody was Mr D.

Mr D was coming to get me, Mr D was coming to snatch me away.

I could feel it coming, like a storm brewing and overwhelming me.
A sense that something strange is rising within, a rigidity inside me.
Like a shadow hanging behind you, a lingering unease.
And there was nothing I could do about it.

That loss of control is the most frightening thing.

I fear that one day, Mr D and I will meld and mould and no one will be able to tell where Mr D begins and where I end.

There is also a fear that Mr D is growing stronger with time and will one day devour and consume me.

The fear that this other person, Mr D will replace me.
Yes, I fear that Mr D will one day make me history.
And there is nothing I can do about it…Oh no!

Now there is a strange feeling in the throat, now a wave hitting my body, trembling…now the stiffening and rigidity ..the enveloping mist, the room becoming frozen, like I’m watching it all from a distance. It’s happening now… going…

…I’ve arrived!

When Mr D comes calling there are always the same questions rolling around in my head.